Learn to love again
by Unicorn47
Summary: AU: Kate is together with Josh, but she's too scared to break up with him. Meredith just died in a car accident. Two family tragidies lead to the meeting of Kate Beckett and Richard Castle.
1. Chapter 1

This is the very first chapter of a story I had in my mind last June. I found this today and got some new ideas, I'm not completely sure whether I should continue or not. So I just decided to upload the first chapter for now and see if there's any interest in the story.

Castle and Kate haven't met yet and he and Meredith never got divorced. Meredith just died in a car accident.

Warning: this story deals with domestic abuse

i'm german and my English is not the best.

I don't own Castle.

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**CHAPTER 1**

It's 11pm , way too late again, Josh will get furious but she just had to get that case solved, and with some teamwork of her co-workers Ryan and Esposito it finally worked- after 4 hours of interrogation Jake Tosswill confessed the murder at his wife Joleen. The evidence was there all the time, the problem was just-it wouldn't have convinced any lawyer in New York. But now that there was a confession, they don't have to worry about a fair punishment for their suspect. Usually she would have felt relief and happiness when a case like this was closed, but since a few months everything has changed.

It began right after their wedding, Josh was getting more aggressive with each day. In the beginning he just got really mad when his favorite baseball team won't win or when his car won't work in the morning. But then it got worse, she realized he changed a lot, but she ignored it for a long time, a way too long time probably. It got so bad, he got angry at her for the most unreasonable things. When she turned on the wrong TV channel, when she wore a shirt he didn't like, but he was the worst when she came home late. And she came home late a lot recently.

He had never hurt her physically, but mentally she was on the ground. He would scream at her until she can't stop her tears anymore. In the beginning she could control herself, but with each time she broke more and more in the inside. The strong and confident Kate, that wasn't her anymore, just a mask she had to put on her face for her friends and colleagues. Why she did that? She can't even explain, maybe it's the embarrassment that she, as a cop, can't defend herself anymore, maybe it was her fake pride because of which she can't admit to herself that she can't get herself out of this anymore without help. But whatever it was, it made her lie to the most important people in her life, which ruined her even more.

She thought about calling him, but then he would have screamed at her and she couldn't risk breaking out in tears in front of the whole precinct. So here she was, shivering, trying to put her key into the keyhole.

_Breath in- breath out, easy as it is._ What was there to worry about, actually? It was late, he was probably drunk already. Yes, she will get some trouble for sure but when he's drunk, he gets tired, and when he's tired he can't hurt her, right? _Right._ _She can do this._ Even though she couldn't really convince herself, she finally managed to turn around the key and entered the loft.

And there he was. Sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for her. But he didn't seem to be mad, did he?

"Hey, sorry for being so late, but the case…" She excused herself so quiet, she was surprised he could hear her.

"Not a problem, darling. I understand." He got up and came over to her, kissing her on the forehead.

_What's going on her_e? She thought to herself not trusting this change of mood.

He put his fingers on the zipper of her leather jacket, slowly pulling it down. He shoved the jacket from her shoulders, letting it fall on the floor. Kate was just standing there, stiffly frozen to the ground. They haven't slept together in months, actually since he had changed so much. He was drunk every evening she got home, so he was too tired which she appreciated a lot actually. But she really couldn't explain where this sudden tenderness was coming from. Something was definitely wrong.

"Why so shy, Kate? It's been a looong time, hasn't it? A lot to catch up I guess." He was drunk, of course. The smell of whiskey soaked into her nose and made her feel sick, but she was too scared to move.

Josh put his left hand on the small of her back, with the right he touched her nose, let his finger slide down her throat, over her chest, down to her belly. It felt weird, forced and all wrong. _She can't let him force her to have sex right?_

So she stepped back. "Josh, I'm really tired and…" But before she could finish he grabbed her arm, not in a gentle way, rough even. He turned her around and pressed her against him. She tried to move away, but his grip was to strong. He let her arms go but before she could make a step forward he pressed his hands on her belly.

"I got an idea today, you know, I think it's really really good actually. Do you wanna hear it.?" He whispered into her ear. It made her sick, she wanted to throw up, this is just gross.

"Josh" She tried again, but this time he pushed her even harder against his body, making it difficult for her to breath.

"J-Josh, please, I-I need air." She begged, trying to get rid of his arms.

"I ASKED YOU SOMETHING KATE! DO YOU WANNA HEAR IT?" He screamed into her ear, she just wanted to run away, far far away. She didn't give an answer, so with one hand he turned her face around in order to look in her eyes. And all she saw in his was anger and madness, all that was to see in hers, was tears and fear. She couldn't hold it back, so the tears were just streaming down her face.

"Kate, I ask you one last time, do you wanna hear it?" His voice was more quite now, but still furious as hell.

She came to a point that has become all too familiar to her recently, the point where she gave up. It was the only option that was left to protect herself. "Yes, yes I wanna hear it." She cried.

"Ok, good girl." He whispered, guiding his hand down on her belly again. "I thought…" He began to draw circles on her belly now, maybe she could have get rid of his embrace now, but she was too scared.

"I thought, we should make a baby." And with that he guided his hands down to her jeans, trying to open it.

She stopped breathing. She closed her eyes, trying to persuade herself that she has just misheard that. But the feeling of his hands stroking over her belly took her last hope away.

"No, please Josh, no." She shook her head. But he wouldn't stop.

"Did you say something, Kate?" He asked pretending that he didn't hear her, just to make her even more scared. And it worked.

"I don't want to make a baby, Josh." She said, trying to sound as calm as possible although even a completely drunk Josh could hear how desperate she really was.

"Sorry, but I can't hear you, sweetheart, you have to speak louder, my dear." He whispered while opening the zipper of her jeans. She had a feeling that he wanted to provoke her, he wanted her to offer resistance just to have a reason to scream at her and push her back even deeper in her rabbit hole than she already was. All he wanted was to feel superior and to control Kate in every aspect of life.

"Josh, please, can't we wait a little longer? Just a little?" She was begging, knowing what would happen if she continues refusing, but she still had hope to prevent the inevitable. Even if it was just for another day.

He suddenly stops touching her, his hands formed to fists. He presses his fingers so hard in his palms that his knuckles change white.

After a long breath he speaks calmly. Calmly, but frightening. "If I say now, I mean now. You don't get to decide. You are my woman, you have to obey your man. "

She starts to think of her friends, her dad. What would they think of her if they knew about this? They would probably be disappointed in her, she was disappointed in herself. She's a detective, she has put hundreds of men behind bars, she should be able to get her boyfriend under control, shouldn't she. Kate tries to gain her strength back and even though it doesn't succeed her completely, she manages to speak more determined and with less fear in her voice.

"Josh, I tell you one last time. I don't want this. And if you're really convinced by those completely conservative images of a relationship, I don't think I'm the right person for you. Maybe we should just end this here." She steps back, regaining a more comfortable distance.

But he doesn't answer, just stares at her. She immediately regrets it. She shouldn't have said this, she realizes she just made it much worse. Made him angrier, more furious. As she sees him shivering of anger, his face reddening more with every second, Kate feels her fear rising. What did she do there? Did she really believe he would listen to her? Of course not.

Suddenly he came even closer than before, puts his hand on her throat and screams.

"YOU. DON'T. .DECIDE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

As she doesn't reply fast enough, he starts to strangle her. Tears are streaming down her cheeks again as she sobs. "Yes, yes, I'm sorry, Josh." Just to make him stop. He loosens his grip and pushes her on the couch.

It seems like he "regained" his calmness again, his breath gets slower, his fist has loosen.

"Ok, after this little misunderstanding I think we have come to the result that we both want this relationship and a baby as an expression of our love. Am I right there?"

She wants to disagree, wants to scream at him and throw him out, but she is too scared. She never thought fear would make her do things like this. But she had to decide. Meaningless sex or bruises, maybe even broken bones. So she has to go with the first option, it's not the first time. Just this time it's different. She is not doing in because of adventure, she's doing it because of fear. Maybe tomorrow he won't remember. Maybe. Hopefully.

This was the first time Kate Beckett got raped by her husband.

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The next chapter would be about Alexis seeing a psychiatrist.

Please tell me what you think, and leave a review. Thank you so much for reading.

PS: I know that this topic demands a certain carefulness and I –thanks God- don't have any experiences with this or the following topic (self harm). So if anyone feels offended, that was definitely not my intention! In that case, please message me and I will change what bothers you.


	2. Chapter 2

As I said in the previous chapter, this one will be about Alexis. For those of you who expected some Kate scenes, I promise you, she will be in the next chapter. I just need to explain the Kate and Alexis stories to create a Caskett story, if that makes sense.

I don't own Castle.

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Chapter 2

"So Alexis, are you ready to tell me what happened?"

The sixteen year old redheaded was sitting on the couch, cross legged and her expression cold and emotionless. Just like in all the previous sessions she wouldn't say a word, just glaring at the picture at the other side of the room.

"All I want is to help you, we are all very concerned about you. You haven't talked to anyone in the last month. Bottling up everything isn't the right solution, trust me. If you don't want to tell anyone in your life yet that's ok, I understand that. You don't want them to worry and you certainly don't want them to think that you're a weak person. But Alexis, your mother just died, this is not the right time and place to worry about the people around you Alexis. You need time to recover yourself, and that's what I want to help you with. Nothing you tell me here will ever leave these four walls. I promise you that. But please, Alexis, let me help you."

There was a long moment of silence. The girl was still staring at the picture, but now her expression began to change. She was obviously thinking about what he just said. She knew she needed to talk to someone about all of this. It was getting way too much for her and the burden on her shoulders has almost pushed her down on the ground. It wasn't so much that she couldn't talk about what happened but she was afraid of the questions her psychologist would ask after she had answered this first one. It was just the first small step to much bigger and higher ones. Ones that she wasn't sure she could or even wanted to climb on yet.

But she also knows that she has to tell him in the end, so why retarding this any longer? If she waited too long, maybe it would be too late for her.

Though still not moving her eyes away from the picture, she said: "It's not like you don't already know."

He was surprised, although he couldn't wonder why she changed her opinion about the reasonableness of their weekly sessions.

"Yeah, but I wanna hear your side of the story. " Typical psychologist quote, she thought to herself.

"Well whatever, I promised Dad to do this so here we go. On March 13 my mother died in a car accident. She had a big fight with my Dad and probably wanted to drive to her best friend Addison. At least that would make sense since her house is near the scene of the accident. But I guess nobody knows. She didn't call anyone, didn't tell Dad anything. Nothing. So it's just a suspicion. Well anyways, there was a light, it was green for her, red for the man coming from the right. Mom was probably too distracted to realize that the man didn't stop. So he crashed in her side without even trying to slow down. Both of them are dead. Medical examination proved that the driver was drunk. Now I'm a only child and dad a single man." Maybe, if she didn't show too much emotion, he would realize that she's not ready for those big steps yet. She didn't want to admit it, but hopefully he would take the hint.

"That was very informative Alexis, but what about your feelings? How do you think about it? About the driver? The death of your mom?" great, obviously he didn't.

"I can't change it anymore, can I? So what should I feel about it." At least that's how she was supposed to think. In reality it looked much different and much worse.

"Do you think the accident could have been prevented?"

"Of course, if that man wasn't drunk, he would have stopped and Mum wouldn't be dead." Sadly this was not the only scenario that was spinning around her head when she had another sleepless night thinking of the accident.

"You mentioned a fight earlier, Alexis. Do you know what it was about?" Wrong question, this was definitely not going in the right direction. But perhaps, if she didn't act like she would care…

"Yeah, Dad told me about it after the accident. He was and still is feeling very guilty, you know. Actually my parents fought a lot recently. Mom was always angry at dad for spending more time with his books than with his family. He would miss parents day at school, forget picking me up from my friend, wouldn't appear at date night with Mom. He always said it will get better after I have finished the book but you know what? I know how it will go. After the book gets published, there will be book signings, interviews and on top of that Black Pawn will convince him to go on a book tour. And when he's back, the deadline for his next book will be so soon that he locks himself into his office so nothing can prevent him from writing. And the whole thing goes on and on until his retirement. No time for family or friends. That's how it goes." She was really trying to keep up a neutral face, but it was getting harder and harder for her.

""So you're angry at him 'cause he doesn't have time for you?"

"Yeah, kinda."

"And is that why you blame him for your mother's accident?"

"Probably. No! Wait no, I didn't say that! This is unfair, you're manipulating me!" THIS was exactly what she was so scared of, and hell, she wasn't ready for this conversation just yet.

"Alexis, its normal-"

"No, its most definitely not! And I don't blame him for anything, ok? He's my Dad. And he's already feeling guilty enough." It felt like it was hopeless to deny it anymore. The doctor just rattled at the fundament of her wall, and she knew it wasn't much far from falling down completely.

"Alexis, I won't judge you. This is exactly why you're here. Believe me when I tell you that it's normal that you blame your father. There's no reason why you should feel guilty about it. Everybody would think that way and the fact that you feel bad about it shows just how much you care about your father. Right now, you can't understand why your mom had to die. Yeah, because it occurred that she and a drunken man were on the same street but you don't get why it was her and why they had to be there at the same time. And you just try to find reasons for it. And one of them is your parents fight. The thing is just that there is no "why". It was coincidence. And in our sessions here I wanna help you to accept this fact. "

"Right now I feel like I will never reach that point." She's talking quietly, scared that if she talked only a little louder her voice would entirely break.

"The way might seem to be long and I can't promise you that it wont be a tough time, but in the end it will be worth it. But the fact alone that you don't just blame him but also feel so bad for having these thoughts gives me the feeling that there's no reason at all to doubt that you will reach this goal. So here's what we will do. Whenever you have these thoughts, try not to blame yourself, but write down what exactly you are feeling and in which moment it began. Our first step is to figure these situations out so that we can start to work on it. Are you ok with this."

"Yes, sounds good." She whispers. She wipes a single tear away that was running down her cheek. In that moment the sleeve of her sweater slips back and reveals five tiny but fresh scars on her wrist. Hoping her therapist hasn't seen it, she quickly pulls the sleeve back in place. But its too late. The gentle look on his face changes into concern.

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That's it. I know it's not very good but I'm in the middle of exams time and just wanted to give you something. Hope you're not too dissapointed.

Also thank you so much for the reviews, follows and faves, I really appreciate that and you have no idea how happy they make me!

Love, Flo

PS: Just one thing I want everybody to keep in mind: Victims of abuse are not necessarily weak personalities!


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